If only I could fly
by 0weallfalldown0
Summary: When it looks like everything is finally okay with Ryan and the team again, some terrible things happen to Ryan. Will he be strong enough to keep his head above water? Or is there no reason to do so any longer? Set somewhere in season 7.
1. Lost something?

**A/N: Yeeeh, Happy Birthday to me! Well, since my birthday isn't very spectaculair at the moment, since I am home alone, I thought I could give you a present for my birthday. By uploading the first chapter of my new story! Isn't that great? I hope you will enjoy it and enjoy it. Be nice because it is my birthday after all :P.**

 **And as always, note that English is not my first language, so if you can't handle my grammar mistakes, don't read it. Then you don't have to handle them ;). If you can handle them, feel free to point out the mistakes, so I can learn from them.**

 **Summary: When it looks like everything is finally okay with Ryan and the team again, some terrible things happen to Ryan. Will he be strong enough to keep his head above water? Or is there no reason to do so any longer? Set somewhere in season 7.**

* * *

Natalia stared through the glass window to her friend. He sat leaning forward, staring at some evidence at the table. But he didn't really look like he was processing it. He was just staring. He hadn't been himself for the whole day. He had separated himself from the others and was awfully quiet. He had also made a few mistakes he would have never made any other day. Something was wrong with Ryan, Natalia was sure about that now. But what was exactly wrong with him?

'Mr. Wolfe!'

Ryan looked up, startled.

'Do you have a moment? We need to talk.'

'Yeah, sure H.'

'I've heard some complaints from your colleagues about your work. You have made multiple mistakes already. At first you were late this morning, then you put the wrong evidence with the wrong case and lastly it seems you have lost your ID card.'

'I know H and I'm sorry.'

'What is wrong, Ryan? Normally, you would never made this mistakes.'

'There is nothing wrong, H,' Ryan assured his boss.

'Are you gambling again? Or do you still have some problems with the Russians? Be honest to me, Ryan.'

'No! No! Neither. Really H. I just almost haven't slept all night, and when I finally did fall asleep I slept through my alarm.'

'All right then, I give you the benefit of the doubt, for now. But if you still act like this tomorrow, I will have to take further actions.'

Ryan nodded. 'Thank you H, it won't happen again.'

'And find your ID card, Ryan. You know how dangerous it could be if they fall in the wrong hands.'

Horatio walked out of the room and Ryan dropped his shoulders in defeat. That could never be the result of a bad night of sleep, Natalia thought.

Just when Natalia wanted to walk towards Ryan, to ask what was wrong, she heard someone behind her.

'Hey Natalia,' Calleigh said happily. 'Are you busy?'

Natalia turned around. 'Hey Calleigh. Eh… No, I'm not busy actually.'

'Perfect! You can help me with the pile of DNA samples that needs to be processed then.'

Natalia followed Calleigh to the DNA lab, to process the evidence there. Calleigh gave her the Q-tips with some blood on it.

'Can you compare these to the sample I gave you this morning?'

'All ten?'

'Yeah, I told you it was a pile, didn't I?'

'all right then,' Natalia said whilst starting with the first Q-tip.

'Well, this one isn't a match,' she said a few minutes later.

'Not even related?' Calleigh asked.

'Nope, nothing.' Natalia took the second Q-tip and wanted to start processing it, when her eye fell on the label.

'Hey Calleigh, there is no name or date on this one.'

'Really?' Calleigh asked surprised. She looked at the label and saw that Natalia was right.

'Who collected these?'

'Ryan… damnit, that is like the tenth mistake he has made this day. I'm going to talk to him.'

Natalia grabbed Calleigh's arm. 'Calleigh, wait.

'What for? These are rookie mistakes, Natalia.'

'I know. But Horatio has just talked to him. Don't you think that is enough for now?'

'Horatio doesn't know about this mistake yet, Natalia. Ryan needs to answer for those mistakes.

Maybe he is gambling again or something, who knows!'

'We always assume negative things about him, Calleigh. Please don't do that again. He has just started to trust us a little bit more. If you do this we are back at the beginning.'

'Yes, but what if he really is gambling? He could endanger the case!'

'He told Horatio he just had a bad night of sleep and Horatio has given him a day. We can still talk to him tomorrow, if it is still necessary.'

Calleigh looked at Natalia skeptically.

'We still have eight more DNA samples to process Calleigh. Lets first process those.'

'All right then. Maybe you are right and we do assume too much. But if he still acts like this tomorrow, I definitely am going to talk to him about it.'

…

Ryan was sitting at the bench in the locker room and was staring at his locker. His work day was over and he felt awful and couldn't image that this was ever going away again.

His colleagues would probably be mad at him by now, for all the mistakes he has made today. Hell, he was mad at himself for making all those rookie mistakes. And then Horatio had come to him to ask for an explanation. Luckily he had sort of talked himself out of it, at least for today anyway. He really had to act normal, tomorrow and not make mistakes again. Otherwise he would not have a choice to tell his boss, or he would probably lose his job. And he really didn't what that. Definitely not now.

He could have explained it to Horatio today, he had wanted to, but he just didn't dare. Ryan was scared he would have started crying in the middle of a building full of adults, right in front of his boss. No, that really would have been terrible!

A hand stroked Ryan's back and Ryan looked up, startled.

'Hey Ry, are you alright?'

Natalia sat down next to Ryan.

'Yeah, I'm fine.'

'Are you sure?'

'Yeah, yeah, I'm okay. I'm sorry for all those stupid rookie mistakes I have made today.'

Natalia took Ryan's hand and squeezed it softly.

'Don't worry about it, Ryan. Everyone can have a bad day, once in a while.'

'Thank you.'

'You know you can tell me anything, don't you?'

Ryan nodded. 'I know.' And Ryan really did know he could trust Natalia and tell her anything. He just didn't know how. And so he stood up.

'See you tomorrow, Natalia.'

'See you tomorrow, Ry.'

…

When Ryan had left the locker room, Natalia's phone rang. She looked at the display and saw it was Alexx who was calling.

Natalia frowned. Why would Alexx call her? She thought. She picked up the phone uncertain.

'Hello?'

'Hey Natalia, is that you? It is Alexx.'

'Hey Alexx, yes it's me. What can I do for you?'

'It's about Ryan. I am worried about him. He is having a hard time at the moment. I just hoped you could look out for him when you are both working.'

'Off course I can! But why is he having a hard time?'

'He didn't tell you?'

'No, but he did act strange today.'

Alexx sighed. 'Oh, my poor baby. It is his story to tell Natalia. But I don't think he can keep it a secret after today.'

'Do I need to go to him, tonight?'Natalia asked alarmed.

'No, I don't think he will be home tonight anyway. But please do look out for him tomorrow.'

'I will, Alexx.'

'Thank you honey.'

* * *

 **Well, this was chapter 1. What did you think about it? I hope you enjoyed it! And feel free to write a review, it would be a nice present for my birthday :).**


	2. As the final curtain falls

**A/N: Hello everyone and welcome to my new chapter! Thank you so much for the reviews, I really appreciate it. And to answer .14's question, this story is related to my previous stories. But I wouldn't call it a sequel though, because you could read this story without ready the previous stories. Although I would not recommend this. I think all my future stories will be related, if not, I will mention it.**

 **Well, this won't be a long chapter, but I must warn you, it will be a sad chapter! I almost got myself crying and I sort of hope I will get you crying, because I think that is a good sign.**

 **The title of this chapter is based on a song by The Alan Parsons Project. The song is called: Old and wise. I recommend you listen to it, if you really want to feel the sadness. You can find it on youtube.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own CSI: Miami or any of its characters. I do own Rowan. And I do not own the song or band mentioned above!**

* * *

That evening, Ryan walked into the hospital, reluctantly. His heart was painfully strong beating against his chest. He didn't know how he could keep on going to this much longer. A part of him just hoped it would be over quickly. But he really hadn't said goodbye yet. He couldn't. It had occurred so quickly that he hadn't had a chance to get used to the idea. But he wasn't sure that if it had occurred any slower, he had been capable of getting used to it. He had no idea how he could just go on with his life after this was over.

Ryan looked up. Alexx was waiting for him in the hallway in front of the door of _the_ room.

She smiled sadly at him, when she saw him. 'Hey sweetie.'

'Hey Alexx. How is he?'

Alexx shook her head. 'Not good,' was the only thing she said.

Ryan swallowed. 'How long does he have?' To Ryan's amazement his voice sounded fairly normal.

'I'm afraid it won't be long anymore, Ryan,' Alexx said. 'His organs are failing. I don't think he will make it through the night.'

'Is he in any pain?'

'We are giving him as much painkillers as we can. But at this point, there is only so much we can do.'

Ryan nodded. He didn't know what to say. Maybe it was better that he got more painkillers, then he could just go. Then he would be freed from his suffering, Ryan thought. It just wasn't fair. Why did he have to go through this? He had never hurt anyone. But Ryan knew he couldn't just give him more painkillers, to make it easier on him. He didn't want to lose him.

'He has been asking for you,' Alexx said.

Ryan nodded. 'Thanks Alexx.' He walked into the room and sat on the chair next to the bed.

'Row?'

Rowan opened his eyes and smiled a little when he recognized his brother. 'Hey Ry,' he said softly.

Ryan stroked Rowan's hair. It was wet from the sweat. 'How are you keeping up?'

'I'm okay… sort of. I just got some extra painkillers.'

Ryan nodded. 'I am proud of you, buddy. You are so strong.'

Rowan shook his head and bit his lip.

'What is wrong, buddy?'

'I'm scared, Ry,' Rowan admitted.

Ryan took his brother's hand and squeezed it.

'Are you staying with me?' Rowan asked carefully.

Ryan nodded, not capable of saying anything. He felt so useless. Rowan had needed him here today and he had just gone to work, so that he didn't have to tell his colleagues just yet. He wanted he could take the fear away from his brother, but to be honest, he was scared himself as well.

'Until the end?' Rowan asked.

'Until the end,' Ryan affirmed. He stared through the window for a second and saw that the sun was slowly going down.

'Ry?'

'Hmm?'

'You do know that I couldn't have wished for a better brother, don't you?'

'I think it is the other way around, Rowan. I've hurt you a few times. I have hurt you badly.'

'But everyone makes mistakes, Ry. I've already forgiven you a long time ago.'

Ryan bit his lip whilst he was trying to keep his tears from spilling.

'Don't cry Ryan, that isn't necessary. It's just time for me to go, but not for you, not yet.'

'I just… I just don't know what to do without you, Rowan. You are my best friend… my brother… my family.'

'I will never really be gone,' Rowan said whilst laying his hand on Ryan's heart. 'I will always be here.'

Ryan smiled sadly. 'I will never forget you, Rowan.'

Rowan squeezed his eyes closed for a second. 'I will miss you, Ry. You were always there for me,' he said with a trembling voice.

Ryan squeezed in Rowan's hand again. 'Don't be afraid, buddy. Mum and dad will be waiting for you.'

'You think so?'

Ryan nodded firmly. 'Off course I do. They would have never left us voluntarily, Rowan. They loved us. And whenever it is my time, then you will be waiting for me, with them on your side. Deal?'

Rowan smiled faintly. 'Deal.'

It was quiet for a moment, whilst Ryan was looking out of the window again. The sun was slowly disappearing behind the horizon.

'As long as we stay together Ry, even if it is only in our hearts, that is the only thing that really matters.'

'That is the only thing that really matters,' Ryan affirmed whilst looking how the final curtain fell before Rowan's eyes.

Ryan stood up and ran to the door. 'ALEXX!' he screamed through the hallway, before he ran back to his brother again.

Rowan's breathing stopped. 'Rowan? Rowan!' Ryan said panicky. Rowan's chest rose again. He was still alive. Ryan felt relieved for a second, but Rowan's breathing stopped again.

Alexx appeared in the doorway. 'He is drifting off, sweetie. You need to let go of him. You have to let him go.

Ryan nodded. And whilst one single tear ran down his cheek, his brother was took his last breath.

Alexx hugged Ryan and he let his head rest on her shoulder for a second, whilst she stroked his back. 'Oh sweetie, I am so sorry.'

'I don't know what to do without him Alexx. It has always been the two of us. How can I ever live without him?'

'You will be okay, Ryan. I will be there for you, your colleagues will be there for you.'

It was quiet for a moment, before Alexx let go of Ryan. 'I need to listen to his heart for one final time, sweetie.'

Ryan nodded, understanding.

Alexx took her stethoscope out of her pocket and listened to Rowan's heart. His big heart, once filled with joy.

'He is gone,' she said softly.

Ryan looked away from his brother, through the window. And he saw the sun had finally fully disappeared behind the horizon.

* * *

 **Pff, It was hard to write this chapter. Well, although it was sad, I hope you enjoyed it. Please listen to the song I mentioned above and let me know what you thought of it together with the chapter! I would appreciate it.**

 **This story isn't finished yet, not even nearly. So keep on coming back!**


	3. Let's be careful out there

**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews! They make me happy. And sorry for the long wait. I had sort of a small writers block here. But the good thing is, this will be a bit longer chapter. So hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

Natalia followed Eric into the lab. They had been processing the crime scene the whole morning. It had been one strange crime scene. There was a dead man in the middle of a meadow and a few miles north, there had been a little, crashed airplane. The man's wounds were consistent with a fall from great height and everything pointed in the direction of suicide. Except that there had been fingerprints on the steering wheel of one other person inside the plane. Frank Tripp was now searching for that unknown man. So he could be brought in for questioning.

All that was the reason Natalia hadn't seen Ryan this day yet. Ryan was on another case with Calleigh. Natalia hoped he was acting normal again, after what happened yesterday. But after Alexx's phone call she had started to worry even more. Alexx had made it sound like Ryan would only feel worse after yesterday. She had said that Ryan would probably not be able to keep his secrets for himself much longer. And Natalia only hoped he wouldn't try that any longer.

'Hey Eric, hey Natalia,' said a happy familiar voice.

Natalia looked up, startled. She had followed Eric without thinking were she was going and now she had ended up in the break room. Not that this was a bad thing, she really needed some coffee.

'Do you two want some coffee?' Calleigh asked as if she had read Natalia's mind.

'That would be nice, Cal,' Eric answered. Natalia just nodded.

Calleigh gave them both a big cup of the hot liquor and Natalia sat down in one of the chairs. 'Where is Ryan?' She asked.

'Making up for his mistakes,' Calleigh answered. She sighed deeply. 'We really have to talk to him, Nat. He even looks worse than yesterday.'

'He made mistakes again?' Eric asked.

Calleigh nodded. 'And not just little ones. He just stood there while a suspect was fleeing the scene. The suspect could just walk past Ryan as if he was some kind of statue.'

'Really?' Natalia asked startled.

'Yes. He brings the case in danger with his weird behavior.'

'Let me talk to him first, Calleigh. Maybe he has a good explanation for it.'

'We talked about this yesterday, Nat. I gave him a chance then, but this can't go on any longer. I will have to tell Horatio.'

'I know we talked about this, Calleigh. But please give me another chance. Maybe he will tell me what really is going on with him.'

'You got your chance yesterday, Natalia. My patience has run out.'

Someone cleared his throat in the doorway and Eric, Calleigh and Natalia looked up.

'The suspect is in the interrogation room,' Tripp said.

Eric stood up. 'Are you coming, Nat?'

Natalia stood up reluctantly. 'Please give me one chance, Calleigh. If he doesn't talk, you can go to Horatio, or whatever you want to do with it.' Then she followed Eric to the interrogation room.

In the interrogation room sat a man whom was somewhere in the end of his thirties, with sunglasses on. His short brown hair was wet from a needless big amount of hair gel and his wide mouth was formed into a friendly smile. Although Natalia got the weird feeling that the smile wasn't fully sincere.

'Mr. Montgomery, thank you for coming,' Eric said whilst he sat down. Natalia did the same.

'Yeah, well, that officer didn't left me with much of a choice,' Mr. Montgomery said with a heavy voice. 'But anyways, what can I do for you?'

'Your fingerprints have been found in a crashed Cessna, this morning. Can you explain that?' Eric showed a photo from the plane wreckage.

'That would be obvious. It is my plane.'

'Were you flying the plane this morning?' Eric asked.

Mr. Montgomery laughed. 'That doesn't seem so to me, does it? Seeing that wreckage, I think it is safe to say I wouldn't be here if I had been flying that, this morning. But since when do CSI's investigate crashed planes?'

'Since we found a body not far from the plane. And it looks like it came out of the plane,' Natalia said whilst sliding a photo of the victim over the table towards Mr. Montgomery.

Mr. Montgomery grimaced.

'Do you know this man?' Eric asked.

'Yes, yes I do. That's Ben. He was one of the best friends of my brother.'

'Was?' Natalia asked.

Mr. Montgomery nodded. 'My brother died last year.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' Eric said. 'Do you have any idea what Ben was doing in your plane?'

'He and my brother borrowed my plane many times. Ben has his flying license as well, you see. Ben was broken after my brother died. I told him he could use my plane whenever he wanted to. Ben could deal a bit better with my brother's death by flying.'

'You said that Ben was broken after your brother's death. How has he been feeling for the last couple of weeks?'

'Oh, I'm not sure but it looked to me he had figured out how to cope with it... But two weeks ago his wife divorced him, just out of the blue. So since then he wasn't doing all to good, I think.'

Eric nodded in understanding.

'Can you tell me where you were between six and eight, this morning?' Natalia asked.

'Eh, in my bed.'

'Can someone verify that?' Natalia asked.

'No, I live alone. But I had an appointment at the dentist for a new filling at eight. Can I go now? I have to go to work this afternoon, you know.'

'Yes, you can go,' Eric said.

'But don't leave town,' Natalia complemented. 'And we will check your alibi!'

The man stood up and Natalia followed him out of the interrogation room. There she saw Ryan sitting in the room beside theirs through the glass wall. He stared at Montgomery for a second before Natalia's and Ryan's eyes locked. Natalia was shocked when she saw how white his face looked. She fully forgot the suspect and wanted to walk toward Ryan. But was stopped by Calleigh.

'You have ten minutes. If he hadn't looked this miserable I would have gone to Horatio already.'

Natalia nodded. 'Thanks Cal.' She walked into the room and sat down beside Ryan. Ryan looked up from his evidence.

'You look terrible,' Natalia said.

Ryan smiled sadly. 'Oh, Thanks.'

'What is wrong, Ryan?'

'Nothing.'

'It's definitely not "Nothing." Everyone here sees something is wrong with you.'

It was quiet for a moment, before Ryan spoke again. 'She is mad at me, isn't she? Calleigh, I mean.'

'Well, she isn't happy, by all means. But I am certain you have a good explanation for what has happened this morning.'

Ryan shook his head.

'Ryan.' Natalia took his chin in her hand and forced him to look up. Ryan's eyes were red and bloodshot. He had dark circles under his eyes and he looked just looked disheveled over all. Natalia saw the unshed tears in Ryan's eyes welling up and he looked away.

'Please Ryan. Calleigh wants to tell Horatio about what happened and he might not have another choice then to take further steps. What if IAB gets involved? Please let me help you, Ryan.'

'I really couldn't care less at this moment.'

'You do care, Ryan. This behavior won't make you feel happy, does it?'

Ryan swallowed. 'I have no idea how I can ever feel happy again.

Natalia sighed. 'Just tell me what's wrong then. Please don't let me guess.'

Ryan squeezed his eyes closed for a second. 'It's Rowan,' he then said softly.

'What about Rowan? Is he ill?'

There was now a tear running down Ryan's cheek. He shook his head and sighed deeply. 'He died yesterday evening,' he said with a cracking voice.

Natalia pulled him against her, whilst Ryan's tears were now really breaking through. She stroked his back and heard him sob in her shoulder softly. She had never seen him cry before.

Natalia looked over Ryan's shoulder and saw their colleagues behind the glass walls. Calleigh stood there with her mouth wide open, whilst Eric just looked very puzzled. And even Horatio, who had most likely just been looking for them, looked sad.

'Oh, I am so sorry, Ryan.'

'I just don't know how to go on. I'm all alone now,' Ryan said softly.

'We are here for you, sweetie. We won't leave you just by yourself, Ry. Come, let me bring you home.'

'No, I really have to finish this.'

'You don't have to do anything today. Except for taking good care of yourself. Let me bring you home, Horatio will understand.'

Ryan sighed. 'All right then, I will go. I'm not of any value here anyway.

'You are of value to us, Ry,' Natalia said firm. 'But at this moment there are just more important things. Come on, then we can go.'

'No, I'll go by myself. I just need to be alone for awhile. Figure things out.'

'Okay then,' Natalia said, slightly hurt. 'You can always call me if you need me. You know that, right?'

Ryan nodded, wiped his tears away with his sleeve and stood up. 'Thank you, Talia.'

…

Ryan still couldn't believe it. He had started crying in the middle of the lab, in the arms of Natalia Boa Vista, where everybody could see him. How could he have been so stupid? He had sworn to himself years ago that he would never cry again. At least not in public. Crying didn't bring anything good. People only started to asked questions. What would his colleagues think of him now? And Natalia, especially Natalia. What would she think, Ryan thought whilst walking over the parking lot towards his car. He sighed. He had gotten the feeling that he and Natalia had grown closer the last couple of months…

Ryan suddenly turned around. He had sworn that he had heard footsteps behind him. But there seemed to be no one there. So he walked further towards his car quietly, thinking about Natalia for a bit more. He had secretly hoped it would have come to more than just friendship between the two of them. But now, after he had cried in her shoulder… Who wanted a guy that just burst out in tears, like a baby? Right, no one.

Ryan heard the footsteps again, but let it go. It was probably just a colleague going home early. He was just about to open his car door when the footsteps quickened and seemed to get closer and closer to him. Ryan turned around and the last thing he saw was a wooden baseball bat.

* * *

 **Oehhh Cliffy…**

 **Well, what did you think? In for more? I know I am!**


	4. Menacing

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews and I'm sorry that you'd have to wait so long for this update. I hope you will keep reading! Please let me know what you think about this chapter, because I'm really not sure if it's any good.**

* * *

Natalia stepped into the lab around 9 am. She had been back to the crime scene they had searched yesterday, together with Eric. There was so little evidence that they had closed the case and ruled it as a possible suicide. But still, Natalia didn't trust that Montgomery guy. It was just a feeling. And besides that his whole appearance was suspicious, with his greasy hair. Natalia got the shivers just thinking about the guy again. But alas, you couldn't judge a suspect just for his appearance.

'Miss Boa Vista, have you seen Mr. Wolfe today?'

Natalia looked vaguely up from her thoughts. 'Oh hey H. No I haven't seen him yet.'

'Hmm strange. He should have been here an hour and a half ago.'

'His brother just died H. Maybe he just needs a little more time for himself?' Natalia said whilst feeling said when she started thinking about Ryan.

'And he has every right to do so. But still, it's Mr. Wolfe we are talking about. He would call at least.'

'You are right about that. Let me try his cell.' Natalia called Ryan, but he didn't pick up.

' _Hey Ryan, we were wondering where you were. I hope you are all right. Please give me a call when you hear this, we are worried about you.'_

Natalia hung up and looked at H. 'He is not picking up, that was his voicemail.'

Horatio heard the worried tone in Natalia's voice and laid his hand on her shoulder for some comfort. He knew Natalia and Ryan had started to grow closer the last couple of months.

'All right, don't worry. Here is what we are going to do. You are going to his place and I will call Alexx and look around here one more time. Maybe he is just at home.'

Natalia took a deep breath and nodded. Horatio was right, there wasn't reason for panic just yet. 'Call me if you know more,' she said to Horatio before hurrying to her car.

When Natalia arrived at Ryan's place she immediately saw that his car wasn't in his driveway. She still got out of her car and rang the doorbell, but no one opened. Natalia knocked on the window a few times.

'RYAN!' She called, but there was no sign of life. She looked for her cell phone and called Horatio.

'Hey H, it's me.'

'Ah, Miss Boa Vista.'

'Ryan is not opening his door and I don't think he is here. His car isn't here either.'

'That I already knew, Miss Boa Vista, that I already knew. His car is here, at MDPD.'

Ryan moaned. That headache, it was terrible! Just like his head was splitting in two. He cringed when there ran a shiver down his spine. It was so cold in here! But here... where was 'here?' Ryan opened his eyes and saw the vague surroundings of a very large room. He blinked a few times with his eyes, but dawned in the room and his eyes had to adjust to that, before seeing a bit more. So Ryan laid his head back on the ground, but immediately regretted that when he realized he had lowered his head a bit too quick. The cold, hard, concrete floor didn't give way and his head once more felt like splitting in two.

Only when he wanted to grab his head with his hands he realized they were bound behind his back. Ryan looked down and saw that his feet were also bound together. He tried to free his hands with all his power, but the tape was wrapped tight around his hands.

Suddenly a door opened and a bright light from fluorescent tubes was put on. Ryan was startled by the sudden tokens of life and stopped with fighting the tape immediately. Instead he squeezed his eyes shut from the bright light. Two hands grabbed him and sat him down on the ground against a wall.

'Thus, finally awake huh?'

Ryan narrowed his eyes and tried to look at his kidnapper, he hadn't recognized the voice, but his face looked vaguely familiar.

'What do you want from me?' Ryan asked, simultaneously surprised about his solid voice.

'What I want from you? What are you thinking!'

'I'm sorry, I just don't know who you are.'

Ryan moaned when a big fist made contact with his jaw.

'Don't know me, huh? I was with your poky colleagues just yesterday. Didn't you recognize me then either?'

Ryan remembered Eric and Natalia's suspect from yesterday vaguely. The man had looked familiar then, but he couldn't remember from what and now he still didn't know.

'No? Not the slightest idea?'

Ryan shook his head, but immediately regretted that when his head protested painfully.

'I am Marco Montgomery and you are the idiot that ruled my brother's murder as a suicide!'

With a shock Ryan remembered. This was the man that got so angry when it appeared that his brother had killed himself last year.

'I remember. So, what do you want from me?'

'What I want? I want you to know what suicide means in your book. You are going to jump off of this building in a few minutes.'

'Oh no, I don't think so. You can't make me to jump by myself.'

Montgomery took a knife out of his pocked and cut the tape around Ryan's legs. Then he pulled him up and dragged him to the roof. Ryan tried to resist, but he wasn't strong enough.

'Don't make this so hard on yourself, just jump,' Montgomery said.

'You can't make me jump! And if you push me, my colleagues will find out!'

'Ah you've got a point there, but don't worry, I did some research too, Mr. Wolfe. And you are right about that second part, but I really can make you jump.'

Montgomery dragged Ryan down again, where he pushed him on the ground. Ryan tried to stand up, but Montgomery put his large foot on Ryan's stomach and smiled. Then he crouched down next to Ryan and put his thumb in Ryan's right eye. Ryan screamed in pain.

'Are you going to jump now?'

'No,' was all Ryan answered.

Montgomery pushed his thumb in Ryan's eye again and Ryan heard his already fragile eye make some funny noises.

'And?'

'No.'

'All right then, whatever you want.' Montgomery took a little flask out of his pocket and forced Ryan's eyelids open with his fingers. He poured some liquid out of the flask into Ryan's eye and Ryan screamed again. His eye burned painfully and his vision became blurry.

'I-am-not-going-to-jump,' he said panting.

'As you wish,' Montgomery said. Who didn't look even near to giving up. He dragged Ryan to a corner of the room and bound an iron chain around his legs.

The next thing Ryan knew he was hanging upside down from the ceiling.

'You hang there for a sec, I'll be back in no time,' Montgomery said smiling.

Ryan saw Montgomery disappear from his sight and anxious wondered what the man was going to do. He just hoped his colleagues were missing him and searching for him by now.

By the time Montgomery got back Ryan felt like all the blood was streamed to his head. Montgomery put a large barrel with water under Ryan.

'Well, are you going to jump already?'

'Nope.'

'All right then.' Montgomery took the chain and lowered Ryan into the barrel with water.

After two minutes, what felt more like ten, Ryan thought he would drown. It started to get black in front of his eyes. But then Montgomery pulled him up.

'And?'

'No.'

All right then.' And again Montgomery lowered Ryan into the barrel.

It took five times before Ryan noticed that Montgomery became a little frustrated. But Ryan himself wasn't feeling well either. He knew he wouldn't hold on much longer. He would drown. His lungs screamed for air when Montgomery lowered him again and his body started to shock and cramp. Montgomery pulled him up again.

'And?'

'NO!' Ryan had decided. He would rather drown than jump off of the building by himself.

Montgomery grunted in frustration. 'All right then, whatever you want. We will take it to the next level.'

Montgomery unbound Ryan's legs and arms and dragged him to a chair with a table. There he opened a laptop and put it in front of Ryan. On the laptop were the hazy images of a building.

'You know where this is?'

'Yes,' Ryan said a little scared.

'It's MDPD, isn't it?'

Ryan nodded.

'This is a camera attached to a sniper from one of my guy's. He will shoot if I'll ask him to.'

'No... No he won't,' Ryan said not convinced of his own words.

Montgomery smiled and took his phone. 'Hey Vince, zoom in to where you are aiming on, would you.'

The images on the laptop zoomed in closer towards the building and Ryan was shocked to see Horatio and Natalia standing discussing in the hallway.

'Do you believe me now?'

Ryan nodded defeated. He still wasn't sure if that Vince guy really had a sniper, but he couldn't take the risk.

'You are going to jump, or they are going to die. And don't think it will only be those two, I will let my guy kill your whole team.'

'All right then,' Ryan said softly.

'So, you will jump?'

Ryan only nodded.

Montgomery shut the laptop and laid a pen and paper in front of Ryan. 'I want you to write a suicide note.'

Ryan stared at the pen and paper for a second. He didn't know what to do anymore. He just hoped his colleagues would find out that he didn't kill himself.

'What do you want me to write?'

'Just write that you are going to your brother, that you can't live without him. Something like that.'

'How do you know about my brother?' Ryan asked shocked.

Montgomery grinned. 'Oh, I just hoped you would jump immediately, after he was... eliminated.'

'You didn't... You don't want to say that...'

'Let's just say that I've lend him a hand. He would have died eventually, wouldn't he?'

'You son of a...'

Ryan wanted to go at the man, but Montgomery grabbed his hair and hit his head hard against the table.

'WRITE... NOW!'

Ryan moaned, his head felt like splitting in two for the third time this day. Montgomery removed his hand from Ryan's hair and Ryan sat up. He took the pen in his right hand. Ryan could write with his right hand reasonable good, because he had learn Rowan to write all by himself and Rowan was right handed. Now Ryan just hoped that his colleagues would see the difference.

'Write down whatever I say,' Montgomery said. ' _Dear friends, I'm sorry, but I can't live without Rowan. Love, Ryan._

Ryan did as he was told, whilst unshed tears stung in his eyes. He felt guilty, it was his fault that his parents had died and now it was his fault too that his brother had died. Rowan could still have been alive if he had been able to calm this man down when his brother had died.

When Ryan was done writing, Montgomery folded the note and put it in Ryan's shirt pocket. Then he dragged Ryan to the roof once more.

Ryan looked over the edge cautious. Then he looked back at Montgomery.

'Just jump, then it will be over quickly. Or do you really want your colleagues to die?'

Montgomery's grin got bigger when Ryan climbed up on the barrier. Ryan's heart was beating very quick and painfully hard. He felt nauseated from fear, but he was sure, he didn't want to go back to that awful man and he certainly didn't want his colleagues to die.

So he jumped. And whilst the wind was whistling in his ears and his body moved freely through the air, Ryan's only consolation was that he would be with his family very fast.

* * *

 **Oh no! Is he dead? Is he alive? Was it a dream? Was it real? Find out the following update!**

 **In the mean time, let me know what you think... or hope!**

 **Thanks for reading and well, I hope you did like it!**


	5. From the boundary line

**A/N: Thank you so much for reading this story and special thanks for all the reviews! Well, since I left you with a big cliffy last time, I think I should just stop talking and let you read. Enjoy!**

* * *

Natalia was in the back of the hummer, with Eric behind the steering wheel and Calleigh had confiscated the front passenger seat. Horatio had asked them to come to a new crime scene. He himself had left five minutes earlier, when he had got the call. He had called Eric from his own Hummer to ask them to join him at the crime scene. But Natalia really didn't want to come. Ryan was still missing and she started to worry more by the minute now. Eric and Calleigh, on the other hand, didn't look to worry about it at all. And that made Natalia's feeling that she didn't want to be here only stronger.

'Did H tell you something about the crime scene when he called you, Eric?' Calleigh asked.

'Not much. Except that it was a possible suicide attempt and he wanted all hand on deck to rule out murder.'

'Did you just say "attempt"?' Calleigh asked astonished.

Natalia had heard it as well, Eric really had used the word "attempt".'

'Yeah, attempt, that's right,' Eric said. 'But the person will probably be already dead by the time we arrive there.'

'What makes you think that?' Calleigh asked.

'Oh well, H said he had heard that the person was critically injured and would most likely not make it. But do you think you looked like if you had jumped of a 33 yards _(30 meter)_ high building. Man, you would think, if you would jump, you would at least do your best to jump yourself to dead, right?'

'Eric!' Calleigh said stern. 'Don't say that! It's not something to joke about! You have no idea why that person choose that way, do you?!'

'No, I don't. And I am sorry, you are right. I was wrong saying that, I just wondered how someone could ever survive that.'

Eric parked the Hummer between all the other police cars and an ambulance. It was crowded, very crowded. Too crowded, actually.

Natalia was the one to step out of the car first and saw between all the paramedics a redheaded man. Horatio stood there, with his hands in his hair and Natalia knew something was wrong, immediately.

Without taking her kit out of the trunk she walked towards him, leaving Eric and Calleigh behind.

Horatio saw her walking towards him and tore his gaze from the mutilated body. He ran towards her and only when he stood in front of her, Natalia saw how white his face looked.

'H, what is wrong?' She asked with a trembling voice.

Horatio took her by her shoulder and wanted to drag her away, but Natalia resisted.

'Come, you don't want to see this,' he said.

'No, H, what is wrong? I know something must be wrong, I see it in your eyes. Please, tell me what's wrong,' Natalia begged.

Horatio sighed defeated. 'It's... it's...'

But just then a paramedic stepped aside and Natalia caught a glimpse from the body.

'RYAN!' she screamed. 'No, No, this can't be happening. RYAN!'

Horatio tried to stop her from running towards the mutilated body.

'Let go of me! RYAN!' Natalia screamed again.

'Believe me, Natalia. You don't want to see this... you don't want to see this.'

But Natalia was determined and panicked. Her adrenaline kicked in so she was able to pull herself free from Horatio's strong hands, with all her power. And she ran to the lifeless body of her friend.

When she saw Ryan laying there, her breathing halted for a moment. Horatio had been right, she hadn't want to see this. Ryan looked white as a sheet. His chest rose and fell very fast, whilst his breath came with short, gurgling jerks from his throat. His body was in a weird, unnatural position, a big piece of bone stuck out of his left leg and under his head was a puddle of blood. But he was alive, although it would seem impossible.

Natalia crouched down next to Ryan and stroke a strand of hair from his sweaty forehead, carefully.

'Ryan? Ryan, can you hear me?' But Ryan's eyes stayed closed and he didn't give any sign of life. There were tears streaming down Natalia's face now, although she didn't notice it herself.

'Ryan, you have to hang in there, all right? It will be okay, I am here for you. We are all here for you. And I promise you, no one will let you down. We are all here to help you. The only thing you have to do right now is fight. You are so strong, let's show that to us today, Ry.'

...

Ryan heard sounds. Many and loud sounds, but he couldn't really figure out what they were from. He just knew they hurt in his ears. They hurt very much, he got a headache from it, or did he? Maybe he had already had the headache before he had heard the sounds. He didn't know, it felt like his brains didn't want to work.

He felt something soft on his forehead. A soft tickling, but the following moment the tickling had disappeared. Instead he heard a voice, a nice, female voice. It felt like the voice softened his headache.

He recognized the voice, but he couldn't think of who it belonged to right now. Just like he couldn't figure out what the voice was saying.

And then the voice disappeared, together with all the other loud sounds he had heard. But he did see... He did see three silhouettes walking towards him. And without being able to make out the faces from this distance, he knew who they were. He knew deep inside his heart and he smiled.

Ryan started running through nothing, toward the three silhouettes.

'Mum! Dad!' he called. His mother opened her arms and Ryan hugged her, whilst his father was padding him on his back.

Ryan looked up and saw the happy, twinkling eyes from his brother, that he had missed so much. He smiled.

'I have missed you so much!'

His mother let him go, but she wasn't smiling, in fact, she was looking very serious. Ryan looked at his father and saw that he was looking as serious. They looked exactly like he had remembered.

'W...what's wrong? Did... Didn't you miss me? Are... are you still mad at me, because... because of what I did? I... I know it is my fault that all three of you are dead. And I'm sorry... I am really sorry!'

'That's not it, sweetie,' Ryan's mother said. 'We miss you too. But you have to go back.'

'Wh...What? W...Why? But I don't want to go back!'

'It isn't your time yet, sweetie,' Ryan's father said. 'There is so much more good you can do for this world.'

'B...But...'

'Go back, Ry.' It was Rowan who had said that. 'Your time will come. And until then, we will be here, in your heart.'

The silhouettes of Ryan's parents and brother walked backwards and Ryan tried to follow them, but a invisible force stopped him.

'We will always be here, Ry. Waiting for you. And when it is your time, we will receive you with open arms. Like mum and that were for me, just like you said. But you have to go back now.'

'NO!' Ryan screamed. But the already vague silhouettes of his family where now disappearing completely.

'NO!'

...

'NO!' Natalia screamed, panicking, whilst Ryan's body jolted for the second time. 'Please no, don't die, Ryan, just please don't die,' she said to herself softly. But it looked like Ryan's heart had given up. 'RYAN PLEASE, FIGHT! Please,' she sobbed.

'CLEAR!' A paramedic screamed. Ryan's body jolted again. For a second everyone was quiet and it looked like everything went in slow motion, whilst everyone waited tensed.

And then there was the familiar rhythmic beeping, which indicated that Ryan's heart was once again beating. All the attendees took a relieved breath as if they were one man.

He is still alive, Natalia thought with the faintest smile shining through her tears.

* * *

 **Off course I could not kill Ryan! I felt sad enough killing Rowan already, how could I ever kill them both!**

 **So, what do you think about this chapter?**


	6. They may say I'm a dreamer

**A/N: Thank you so much .14 for the one and only review for previous chapter. It made me very happy knowing that at least one person is still enjoying this story. So, as long as someone likes it, I will continue. And for those who have noticed, yes, the name of this chapter has two purports indeed. I thought it was a appropriate title for all those horrible things that are happening all over the world, like today. All I can say about it is that if you really want to play for God, just go write a book... or a story... fanfiction...**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

Alexx watched how her colleagues wheeled the bed with her ex-colleague into the room.

'And?' Was the first thing she asked.

Dr. Mark Roberts sighed. 'Alexx... I know you mean well, but you haven't even given me the chance to talk the family first.'

'His uncle is on his way from Atlanta, it will take some time before he is here and he hasn't got any other family left. So please, Mark. I've been waiting here for over 4 hours. It's stressing me out!'

Dr. Roberts sighed again. 'Very well then, as long as I don't get an angry uncle on my doorstep in the following days.'

Alexx smiled. 'I will take care of that, personally, Mark.' Her face went serious again. 'How is my baby boy doing?'

'Take a seat for a minute, will you, Alexx,' Dr. Roberts said.

Alexx knew immediatly that it would be bad news when he asked that. But she sat down anyway.

'Mr. Wolfe is in a coma, Alexx. His skull is fractured and he had a small cerebral haemorrhage. I can't really tell if he will ever wake up again, but even if he does wake up, there is still the chance of brain damage.'

Alexx sat there in awe for a moment, with her hand covering her mouth. Not knowing what to say. 'Oh, my poor boy,' was all she managed eventually.

'He has had a haemorrhage in his stomach as well. But luckily we were able to stop that before the organs were damaged.'

Alexx shook her head. 'This can't be happening, this really just can't be happening. He must wake up, Mark. He must!'

'Even if he wakes up, there will be many more questions, which only time will tell, Alexx. Mr. Wolfe's right eye is severely damaged, but we don't know what caused it. And I can't tell for sure if he will be able to see with it again. Besides that, his left arm and leg are broken in different places and he has some broken ribs and a broken right leg as well. It's not sure he can ever walk again. And let's not forget the collapsed lung that was caused by the broken ribs.'

There was a tear running down Alexx's cheek. 'Why Mark? Why he? It isn't fair. He has been through so much already and he is still so young.'

'I'm sorry Alexx. I'll leave you with him alone for a moment.'

Alexx nodded thankfully and walked towards Ryan. Even though she was a doctor, she was still shocked to see the appearances of her baby boy. It was so much different when the patient is someone you know.

Alexx took hold of Ryan's right hand and saw that it was as pale as the rest of his body. She covered him a bit more under the sheets, hoping it would look less terrible, but in vain. The breathing tube that was sticking out of Ryan's mouth didn't make it any better as well.

'Hey sweetie, it's me, Alexx,' Alexx said uncomfortable. As a doctor she knew there was a chance that Ryan could hear her. But still it felt weird, talking to someone who appeared to be asleep.

She stroke Ryan's cheek before talking again.

'Your colleagues are on their way, sweetie. They are all so worried about you. And they all want to help you. The only thing you have to do is wake up.'

It was quiet for a moment, before Alexx could no longer hold back her tears.

'Oh Ryan, why did you do this?' she sobbed. 'Why didn't you came to me, or anybody? You know you are always welcome, don't you? I'm always here to help you. Oh Ryan. Please wake up.'

...

Natalia walked into the corridor towards Ryan's room. She saw her colleagues just coming out of that room. Alexx had told them the bad news only minutes ago. Natalia had needed a moment for herself, before going into Ryan's room. And they were only allowed to go in two at the same time, so she had let Calleigh and Eric go first.

'I don't understand, Calleigh. I just really don't understand,' Natalia heard Eric saying to Calleigh. 'Why did he jump? He could have come to any one of us, with his problems. We would have all be willing to help him. Instead of trying to make an end of it immediately.'

'I don't know why he did it, Eric,' Calleigh sighed. 'He must have been desperate. I feel so sorry for him.'

'What!' Natalia called out suddenly. 'You can't be serious!'

Calleigh and Eric look up puzzled.

'What do you mean?' Calleigh asked.

'You seriously don't believe this was a suicide attempt, do you? That can't be true! I just don't believe it and neither should you!'

'Be rational, Natalia,' Eric said. 'They have found a suicide note and there was no evidence of a struggle on the roof of the building. You know what that means in our job.'

'HE DIDN'T JUMP OUT OF FREE WILL, ERIC! I'm telling you! There must be another explanation!'

'But Natalia, really? Come on. All the evidence points to a suicide attempt, you know that,' Eric tried.

'NO! RYAN DID NOT TRY TO KILL HIMSELF! DO YOU HEAR ME?!' Natalia shouted, before storming off into Ryan's room. Leaving a puzzled Calleigh and Eric behind.

...

Ryan was startled. What was that screaming and shouting? It had woke him up from his dream. It had been a weird dream, though. More like a nightmare, really. He had been scared. But why? Why had he been scared? Ryan remembered the dream vaguely. There had been a man in the dream, a man with dirty greasy hair. And he had forced Ryan to do something he didn't want to do. But what had he been forced to do? He didn't remember.

There was the screaming again. Who was that? Ryan tried to listen, maybe he would recognize the voices.

'Be rational, Natalia. They have found a suicide note and there was no evidence of a struggle on the roof of the building. You know what that means in our job,' said a vaguely familiar man's voice.

'HE DIDN'T JUM OUR OF FREE WILL, ERIC! I'm telling you! There must be another explanation!'

This time the screaming had been louder. But nevertheless, Ryan smiled. He recognized that voice immediately. It had been Natalia who was screaming all the time.

'But Natalia, really? Come on. All the evidence point to a suicide attempt, you know that,' the male voice said.

Where did they talk about? Ryan thought. But he was roughly pulled out of his thoughts by one last shout, followed by a bang... a bang from a door, maybe?

The next moment Ryan felt a hand touching his hand.

'Oh Ryan, why don't they just believe me? Why do they think that?' Natalia sobbed. 'I just don't believe it. I refuse to believe it.'

Ryan wanted to open his eyes and say something back to Natalia. So he could comfort her, although he didn't really know why she was so upset. But then he noticed that he couldn't open his eyes. And his voice didn't seem to work. Panicking, he tried everything, even if it was just a small movement. But it felt like his body didn't understand his brain.

And then real panic struck. And he realized that his dream from earlier, hadn't been a dream at all...

* * *

 **Sorry you had to wait so long for this kind of short chapter, but I can only hope you at least liked it. So feel free to review. Even if you thought it was a terrible chapter.**

 **Well I'll go to bed now, loads to do tomorrow. Have a nice day if your day hasn't finished yet, and otherwise, tomorrow**


	7. Not as complicated as it looks

**A/N:** **Hi everyone. Sorry you all had to wait so long. I'm a bit more busy than in the beginning of the year, so writing a chapter takes a bit more time. But I do intent to finish this story. And I still have a prequel in mind. But first let's finish this one. I think there might be one or two more chapters after this chapter.  
Well, thank you for your patience and for the reviews! I hope you will enjoy this chapter, let me know!**

* * *

He floated in and out of consciousness. That had to be, because sometimes someone sat next to him and the next moment he was alone again. Alone... Whoever sat next to him, ever so well-intended, he still felt alone... empty... misunderstood. There was no one who saw that he was awake and it looked like no one believed he didn't jump out of free will.

First there had been Calleigh. She had sat next to him, sobbing and asking why he had done it. Then there was Eric. He had sounded more angry than sad when he had shouted how he could have been so stupid to jump. And now there was Alexx, who was holding his hand for a while now. Sobbing quietly and asking over and over again why he hadn't come to her for help.

Ryan wanted to yell that it hadn't been a suicide attempt. But he couldn't, he couldn't do anything. Whatever he tried, his body refused to follow the commando's his brain was sending.

Then there was that pain, that horrible pain. Sometimes, it was gone for a while, but then it felt like it came back three times as bad. Like his whole body was on fire.

And then there came a scary thought into Ryan's mind. It felt like it crept under his skin, as some kind of parasite. What if he would always stay in this condition? With this pain and without anyone noticing that he was wide awake and hearing everything? What then?

...

The discussion in the breakroom had risen to a climax again, this morning. And just like the last couple of days it had been Eric and Calleigh against Natalia. Natalia went to work with a bit more reluctance every day now. She felt lonely, because Eric and Calleigh were so determined that Natalia was wrong. Besides that, she just missed the silly jokes from Ryan, who could always make her laugh.

'Natalia, for the last time. There has been found a suicide note and there is no evidence that there was a second person present, at the time. It was a suicide attempt,' Eric concluded once more.

'That second person could have wiped evidence of his presence away,' Natalia said stubbornly.

Calleigh sighed. 'Natalia sweetie, I know you care about Ryan a lot. But in this work you learn to follow the evidence. And the evidence is telling us that Ryan did try to commit suicide.'

'NO! I refuse to believe that. And if you had really known Ryan, you wouldn't have believed it either!'

Eric rolled his eyes. That same discussion, again. 'There hasn't been found any evidence of a struggle on the roof, Natalia. And the building is of a fairly height to jump from. He could never have jumped knowing that he would survive.'

'That's it!' Natalia cried out. And she stood up.

Calleigh and Eric looked at her, not understanding.

'What is "it"? Where are you talking about, Natalia?' Calleigh asked.

'Where is H? I need to speak to H.' Natalia ran towards Horatio's office, followed by her still not understanding colleagues.

Natalia walked into Horatio's office without knocking. 'H, I need to speak to you, now.'

'Miss Boa Vista. Where do I owe the pleasure too?' Horatio asked calmly.

'It's about Ryan.'

'What about him?'

'He didn't commit suicide. He couldn't. It wouldn't make sense.'

'What makes you think that?'

'Just a few months ago, Rowan told me Ryan is afraid of heights. In our job we learn that actions of people have almost always a logical explanation. It wouldn't be logical if Ryan had jumped out of free will from a high building, to commit suicide, when he is afraid of heights!'

Horatio sat there for a moment in silence, thinking about what Natalia had just said.

'H! He didn't try to commit suicide!' Natalia cried frustrated.

'Right, you have a point there. It wouldn't be logical, would it?'

'But H,' Eric started. 'What about the suicide note.'

Horatio stood up. 'Follow me, all of you. The nightshift have took long enough to solve this. We are going to clear this up, right now.'

Natalia followed Horatio through the hallway, to the other side of the lab. There stood a big, tall, dark man, bowed over a table.

'Good morning Walter,' Horatio said.

The big man looked up and smiled friendly. 'Morning, lieutenant. Can I help you?'

'I think you might can,' Horatio answered mysteriously. 'Is this the suicide note?' He asked whilst pointing towards the piece of paper on the table.

'It is indeed. But I'm afraid I can't tell you much about it, yet. The whole nightshift has pulled a double since what happened with Mr. Wolfe. We've been a bit busy, you know.'

Natalia noticed the big bags under Walter's eyes. Nevertheless she was irritated that they hadn't processed the suicide note first.

'I still would like to hear what you have, so far, Walter,' Horatio said.

'All right then.' Walter laid the note under the projector and walked towards the screen where the note was now magnified.

'I've compared the note to a note that Mr. Wolfe has written a few days ago,' Walter said whilst pointing towards another magnified note, that was also projected on the screen.

'The handwriting matches, except for a few little details.'

'So it is Ryan who has written the suicide note?' Eric asked.

Horatio ignored him. 'What are those few little details, Walter?'

'Well, the first thing is that the handwriting in the suicide note is much messier. Just like he couldn't hold his hand still. It's written shakily and insecure. But this could be explained by the reason that it is a suicide note. He could have been tense.'

Horatio nodded in understanding. 'Go on.'

'Besides that, the letters on the suicide note are very askew toward the right. Like the paper laid down a turned in front of the author. This matches to a right-handed author. This is also confirmed when you look at the way the T's are crossed.'

'Right-handed, you said?' Horatio asked.

Walter nodded. 'Unfortunately we can't do much with that information. Since 90% of the world is right-handed.'

'But Ryan isn't!' Calleigh said enthusiastically.

Natalia frowned. 'Rowan was.'

'What are you saying?' Eric asked. 'You don't possibly think that... You're not saying that Rowan is the one alive and Ryan is dead, right?'

'No, that couldn't possibly be true. Rowan was mentally disabled. We would have noticed,' Calleigh said.

'Maybe not, maybe it is all some kind of cover up. And Rowan wasn't mentally disabled!' Eric said.

Horatio shook his head. 'I agree with Calleigh. We would have noticed. And besides that, I'm one hundred percent sure that Rowan really was mentally disabled.'

It was quiet for a while, whilst Horatio was thinking. You could almost hear his brain think, that quiet is was.

Natalia couldn't stand the silence any longer and spoke up. 'What are you thinking, H?'

'I think... I think that Ryan was trying to tell us something. It wouldn't be logical if he would try to commit suicide by jumping of a roof, when he is afraid of heights, right? And it would definitely make no sense to write your last words with your right hand, when you are a lefty, would it?'

'So?' Eric asked.

'So... This wasn't an attempted suicide. This was an attempted murder.'

That was all Natalia needed to hear. And before the others noticed, Natalia was running out of the building.

...

Natalia had arrived at the hospital not even fifteen minutes later. And she was now sitting next to Ryan's still form in his hospital bed. She grabbed his hand and squeezed it softly.

'Ryan? Ryan can you hear me, sweetie? We have found out finally, they finally believe me! We have solved the mystery behind your letter. You didn't try to commit suicide, isn't it?

And after having said that last sentence, Natalia felt Ryan's fingers tighten around her hand. She smiled. Now she was sure, all would be well, eventually.

* * *

 **I hoped you enjoyed it, after having to wait for so long for an update! I hope to update the next chapter a bit sooner, but I can't promise anything. However, I will finish it eventually. I must.**

 **P.S. I really love the Walter character, but he wasn't in the team in the season this story takes place. So I just thought I could introduce him shortly.**


	8. Feel the heat!

**Hello you all and welcome to this new chapter. First of all, special thanks to .14 for the review. I appreciate you keep on reading and reviewing, even if I don't upload that much anymore. Second of all, thanks to everyone you still want to read this story! I think there will be just one more chapter after this one. But for now, enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

He had tried the whole night, but he had failed again and again. It had been so much of a relief when Natalia had told him that she knew it hadn't been a suicide attempt yesterday. That his whole body became warm for a moment. And then, in that moment, he had been able to move his right hand.

Natalia hadn't left his side since then. Maybe hoping that he would open his eyes, but again and again, he had failed to do so. Natalia had became quiet eventually. Yet Ryan knew that she was still there. He felt her hand in his. She was just asleep.

Hearing from the few sound in the corridor, it was probably night. But Ryan couldn't sleep. He was determined to let Natalia know that he was awake.

But it was a long night and whatever Ryan tried, it didn't work. He was exhausted and wanted to give up. But there was more and more noise coming from the corridor. A new day was starting and Natalia would wake up soon.

Ryan's heart started to beat faster. He needed to do something, right now. Before she went home.

Next to Ryan, something started beeping and then something else started beeping as well. It was kind of loud and Ryan didn't know what it meant. What was it? And felt his breathing weird suddenly. It scared Ryan. He wasn't dying, was he? Not now! Please, not now he had came that far!

...

Natalia woke up, startled. What was all that noise? It took a while before she remembered where she was and where that awful sound came from.

'RYAN!'

Natalia jump from her chair and ran to the corridor.

'HELP! SOMEBODY!'

A doctor and a nurse came running to her.

'What is wrong?' The doctor asked.

'The machines... they started beeping all of a sudden.'

Natalia followed the doctor and nurse back inside Ryan's room.

'Mr. Wolfe? Mr. Wolfe!' The nurse tried. But Ryan didn't give any sign of life.

'He is fighting the ventilator, that is where all the beeping is coming from,' the doctor said. 'It could be a good sign.'

'But why isn't Ryan awake then?' Natalia asked, not reassured.

The doctor shook his head. 'Honestly, I don't know.'

'Should we extubate him, doctor? His pulse is very fast. It looks like he might be having a panic attack.'

The doctor nodded. 'Yes, we could try.'

He switched his attention to Ryan. 'Mr. Wolfe. I am going to take the tube out of your throat. When I have counted to three, you have to breath out very firmly.'

The doctor looked up, towards his nurse and she nodded as a sign that she was ready.

'All right, here we go. One... two... three!'

The doctor pulled the tube out of Ryan's throat and Ryan started coughing. The nurse sat the bed up, so that Ryan was more in a sitting position and he could breathe a bit better.

'Ryan?' Natalia asked carefully. But there was still no reaction.

It looked like Ryan was gasping for air. His mouth was wide open and his chest was rising and descending rather fast.

The nurse laid a hand on Ryan's shoulder. 'Mr. Wolfe, try to breath slowly and relax a bit more. Concentrate on your breathing. Don't be scared, we are here with you if you need us.'

Slowly Ryan's breathing slowed down and his heart rate came to a normal rhythm again. And then, after a short moment of silence, wherein everyone held his breath expectantly, Ryan opened his left eye.

The nurse motioned Natalia to come closer. Natalia walked toward the side of Ryan's bed and took his hand in hers.

'Ryan.'

Ryan stared at their hands for a moment, before looking up slowly.

'Natalia,' He then said very gentle.

'Mr. Wolfe, how are you feeling?' The doctor asked.

'I... I think I feel alright... for now at least,' Ryan answered hoarsely.

'Very well then. We will give you some time to be alone,' the doctor said smiling. 'Try not to talk too much, Mr. Wolfe. Your throat will be sore for the first couple of days, because of the breathing tube.'

'Thank you,' Natalia said whilst the doctor and his nurse left the room.

When they had closed the door behind them, Natalia wrapped her arms around Ryan.

'God, I am so glad that you are awake.'

'I've been awake the whole time, Natalia,' Ryan confessed.

Natalia looked up, astonished.

'Really?'

Ryan nodded, but regretted it immediately. He then squeezed his eye shut.

'Are you all right?' Natalia asked worried.

Ryan smiled faintly when he opened his eye again.

'Yeah, I'm all right. Thanks for believing in me, Natalia.'

'I've never believed that it was a suicide attempt, Ry.'

Ryan sighed deeply. 'Have you found him... I mean... You know,' he asked.

'Yeah, I know. And no, we didn't. Do you know who it is who did this to you?'

Ryan nodded, slowly this time. 'Your suspect. That Montgomery guy.'

'WHAT!' Natalia yelled. 'She stared at Ryan for a few seconds, both her eyes and mouth wide open. 'Excuse me for a second. I need to call Horatio.'

'No, Natalia wait!'

Natalia had her cell phone in her hand already. Ready to dial the number.

'But Ryan, I've let him slip away once already. I don't want this to happen a second time. Look what he did to you! I could have prevented that, if I had gotten him the first time!'

'Natalia please. Can't it wait?'

Natalia looked up in Ryan's pleading face. She could never win a discussion when he looked like this. And the hospital bed didn't make it any easier.

'I don't want to be alone,' Ryan admitted.

Natalia nodded and put her phone back in her pocket.

Ryan took a hold of Natalia's hand again. 'How bad is it?'

'You eh... You've shattered your left arm and leg and you've broken some ribs and your right leg.'

Ryan closed his eye for a moment. 'I'm never going back to being a CSI, am I?' He said when he opened his eye again.

'Really sweetie. That the last think you should be thinking about right now.'

'You don't get it, Natalia. It's the only thing that I have left in my life.'

'No one is abandoning you Ryan. We will find a way.'

'We?' Ryan asked insecure.

'Yes, we. Together, all right?'

A tear ran down Ryan's face. He then nodded.

'I'd like that,' he answered hoarsely.

'Shht, you should stop talking and try to sleep a bit. You look tired.'

'No, I don't want to go to sleep! I've slept enough already!'

'You don't look like it, Ry. You should rest, recuperate a bit, you know.'

Ryan sighed. 'I know. I'm just... I'm scared Natalia... I'm scared that I won't wake up again,' Ryan confessed.'

Natalia sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled Ryan in her arms.

'You are going to wake up Ryan. And I will stay here. When you wake up, I will still sit here next to you.'

'You promise?'

'Yes Ryan, I promise.'

* * *

 **So, what did you think? This was it, just one more chapter to go. I hope you still liked it, even after it took so long to update. I hope to update the next chapter sooner, so that I can close this story and maybe start a new one. Because I have like a million ideas, it's just that with work and other stuff the writing takes a bit too much time sometimes. Well, thanks for ready anyway!**


	9. The beginning of a new start

**A/N: Hello everyone and welcome to the final chapter of this story! First of all I want to thank .14 for all the reviews she wrote. Even when I didn't upload that fast. Second of all, I want to thank all of you who read my story. Really appreciate it! I hope you'll like this ending and for those who liked my stories let me tell you that I hope to upload the first chapter of a new story somewhere this summer. So keep looking for it!**

* * *

 _...2 months later..._

Ryan stepped inside his house and felt exhausted. He really needed a cup of coffee. Leaning on the crutch in his right hand he limped towards his kitchen. To make the so needed coffee.

Ryan had just come back from his daily medical rehabilitation therapy and had worked a few hours this morning.

Well worked... that was a big word. Horatio had given Ryan a temporary job. Until he the old Ryan again. Like that was ever going to happen, Ryan had thought at the moment Horatio had proposed it. Nevertheless he had taken it eagerly. Ryan thought he would have gone crazy if he had to do nothing any day longer. And so he worked every morning in the lab. Definitely not in the field! And since Ryan was still having double vision, because of his damaged right eye, he wasn't allowed to do any important stuff in the lab as well. Ryan felt more like a janitor that a CSI sometimes. He scanned a few documents for his colleagues, archived old cases and ensured that the lab looked decent.

However happy Ryan had been to go back to work in the beginning, it now started to frustrate him more and more.

'DAMN IT!' Ryan yelled suddenly. Talking about frustration, there was his fresh made coffee, making a big puddle on his just cleaned floor.

Ryan searched for a bucket and a floor cloth whilst grumbling and groaning. He needed to clean that floor first. Before he would slip over the coffee.

And so Ryan started working. He scrubbed the whole floor on his hand and knees. Bit by bit, so he could be sure to not forget any coffee spot. His knees throbbed painfully and his hands were red from wringing the cloth. But his OCD was in overdrive and Ryan went on steadily.

The doorbell rang, but Ryan ignored it. He was almost done and he wanted to finish it first. And besides that, he hadn't ordered anything online, he didn't want to buy anything at the door and if it was a visitor... Well he couldn't really use a visitor right now, because his floor was wet. And any visitor would make his floor all dirty again!

'Ryan!' Ryan heard someone yelling his name vaguely. But his brain only half processed it. His OCD had taken over at this moment. He-needed-to-clean-that-floor-first. Why did no one understand that? And so Ryan went on scrubbing.

'Ryan?' Someone laid a hand on Ryan's shoulder and he looked up, startled.

'A... Alexx. What are you doing here?'

'Ryan! What do you think you are doing!'

Ryan looked from Alexx towards his bucket and back to Alexx. 'Cleaning,' he then murmured confounded.

'On hands and knees? What were you thinking!'

'I can't miss a spot,' Ryan answered vaguely.

'Come on, stand up!' Alexx said strictly.

'But Alexx...'

'Now Ryan!'

Ryan stood up defeated. He felt like a little kid that got caught stealing candy. Standing up didn't go that easy and Alexx helped Ryan towards his couch.

'This can't be good for your left leg,' Alexx said when Ryan was seated.

Ryan ignored her and asked his first question again. 'What are you doing here, Alexx?'

'I'm coming to pick you up.'

'Pick me up?'

'Hmhm.'

'But I can't leave.'

'Of course you can,' Alexx said.

'No I can't. I need to finish this first.'

'No you don't.'

'Yes Alexx. I have to finish.'

'Ryan, sweetie. You have cleaned enough for today. This can wait until tomorrow.'

'No it can't! You don't get it Alexx, I have to finish it first!'

Alexx looked at Ryan sternly and was just about to say something about it when she saw Ryan's anxious face. Her look softened and she stroked his hair.

'Shh... All right then. Where is your mop stick?'

Ryan pointed towards the closet where he kept all his cleaning stuff in. Alexx took the stick out of it and quickly mopped the rest of the floor.

'Good enough?' Alexx asked when she was done.

'For now,' Ryan, who had seen she had forgotten a few spots, murmured. He intended to scrub the floor again tomorrow. Only then he would be completely sure every bit was cleaned.

'And don't you dare to clean that floor again tomorrow.'

Ryan looked up, startled. Did she just read his mind or something?

'I can read it from you face,' Alexx explained smiling because of Ryan's confused look. 'Are you coming now?'

'Ryan?'

'Right... Where are we going?'

'You'll see.'

...

'Alexx... What are we doing here?' Ryan asked. He heard his voice tremble and he knew Alexx had heard it as well when she laid her hand on his shoulder comforting.

'Helping you, sweetie,' Alexx answered softly.

Ryan looked from the passenger's seat of the car towards the building they were parked in front of. He could hardly imagine that Alexx could help him here.

'Come, we are going inside.'

Ryan shook his head fiercely. No way that he was going in there!

Alexx stepped out of the car and walked towards the passenger's side. There she held the door open for Ryan.

'Come on.'

'No Alexx. I'm not going inside. I can't.'

'Sure you can!'

'Nope, I'm not coming.'

'Ryan! Don't be so stubborn! You can't avoid this forever! Now come!' Alexx said sternly.

Ryan closed his eyes and thought about it for a moment. Maybe Alexx was right. He couldn't avoid it forever. And maybe it was easier now that Alexx was with him.

Ryan sighed and opened his eyes again. 'All right then.'

...

Ryan followed Alexx inside the building and up the stairs. But when he heard someone yell, he froze.

'Rowan! You are back!'

Ryan swallowed. But rallied then and turned around. He saw a young blonde girl giving him a very big smile.

'Hey Suzie. No, I'm sorry. Rowan isn't back. It's just me, Ryan.'

The big smile on Suzie's face disappeared immediately.

'Oh right, I forgot. Rowan's brother,' Suzie said disappointed.

'Hey Ryan,' Suzie's mentor said whilst walking towards Suzie and Ryan. 'I'm sorry,' she then whispered so that only Ryan could hear her.

'It's all right Diana. Easy mistake.'

'Are you coming Suzie? Everyone is waiting for you for dinner.' Diana took Suzie's hand and leaded her towards the common room.

Ryan walked on. But stopped again when he was almost at his destination. He stared at the door from his brother's apartment. It was probably still full of Rowan's stuff. Ryan hadn't been there since Rowan had died. He couldn't bring himself to empty the apartment and find all kinds of stuff that would bring up memories. Memories that would probably only upset him right now. And so Ryan had paid the rent until now, so that he didn't have to empty it.

'Are you coming?'

Ryan looked up startled. 'Natalia,' He said surprised.

Natalia gave him a kiss on his cheek and then pulled him into the apartment. There appeared that Alexx and Natalia weren't the only ones. Horatio, Calleigh, Eric and Tripp were all busy sorting stuff.

'Aha, there he finally is,' Eric said grinning. 'Nice glasses buddy.'

'Eric!' Alexx said sternly.

Ryan took his glasses off and immediately saw everything double. He had totally forgotten that he was still wearing his glasses. Normally he was only wearing glasses when attending his rehabilitation therapy. Whereass the right glass was made hazy, so he didn't have double vision. Which made him look like a complete idiot when wearing it.

'I was only joking,' Eric said. 'You can put your glasses back on now.'

Ryan ignored him and looked around. 'What are you all doing here?'

'Helping you of course,' Calleigh answered happily. 'We just need your help sorting stuff that can go away and stuff you want to keep.'

Ryan walked towards a closet, but Alexx stopped him.

'No, no, no. You are going to sit in this chair, whilst we empty the room. The only thing you have to do is say if you want to keep it or not.'

'But Alexx...'

Alexx gave Ryan one of her stern looks and Ryan sat down on a chair defeated.

'Hey kid, this is one beautiful apartment. In a good neighbourhood. Can you pay this all from the salary of a CSI? Because then I really have to transfer to CSI,' Tripp asked.

Ryan smiled but then shook his head.

'From what did you pay it?' Eric asked curious.

'I... I think you all can guess that now.'

Eric stared at Ryan for a moment. Not understanding.

'No one ever asked me why I started gambling,' Ryan said softly.

'Oh Ryan... I'm so sorry,' Calleigh, who was the one to understand first, said sincere.

'It's all right. I haven't told you so you couldn't have known,' Ryan said. 'It's just that... He deserved the best care, you know.'

Calleigh nodded understanding.

'Ryan, sweetie. Tell us next time. We can't help you if you don't talk,' Alexx said.

Ryan gave a vague, short nod. But deep inside he knew he would never just do that.

'Any news on Montgomery?' Ryan asked to change the subject. But that didn't really help the tense atmosphere in the room.

Natalia sighed. 'Still no sign of him, I'm afraid.'

'It is what it is,' Ryan mumbled.

'We will get him, Mr. Wolfe. We will get him eventually,' Horatio said who was looking down on his team from a ladder, whilst dusting the top shelf of a closet.

'It's okay guys, really. This means so much more to me that some stupid criminal.'

'I say, let's drink to that when we are done!' Eric called.

It felt like the tense atmosphere in the room was disappearing quickly and everyone approved enthusiastically.

* * *

 **Well, this was it, my third story. Finally finished! I really hope you enjoyed it. And I hope you liked the explanation as of why Ryan started gambling.**

 **I'm thinking of a prequel for my stories. With a young Ryan and Rowan. It will give more answers to some questions I let open in previous stories. Let me know what you think of that idea!**

 **Thanks for reading!**


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